There’s nothing like betrayal to make you honest with yourself
Nonchalantly as to give the impression that she didn’t care, my friend announces on Christmas Eve that her husband is having an affair — and, he’s leaving her.
Little did I know that this impromptu visit to a CVS in a neighborhood miles from my home would reunite me with someone who at one time in my life was very special.
I don’t know if I was more shocked by her casual approach in delivering this unexpected news; or, the fact that her husband was stepping out on her — without her knowledge.
At least she claimed she didn’t have a clue.
“Lisa” married her husband before she graduated from college — and she was so glad. Matriculating was never the goal — getting a husband was. 
She dressed meticulously before she left the dorm, attended the ‘boy-heavy’ classes, and participated in every function where there would be a high concentration of men from which to choose.
My lovely friend was even always ‘camera-ready’ when she went to the gym — just in case.
When Lisa finally met ‘him’ she went into full throttle to get this things tied down.
Lisa never wanted to compete in the workforce; she wanted to complete the fairytale. She spent more time planning the wedding and less time planning the future with her so-to-be husband.
The ceremony was very nice — they wrote their vows; the reception was festive — open bar; and, we ate well — plenty of appetizers while the wedding party got photographed.
Today, as Lisa stoically tells me that her husband has another life, I examine her face.
She’s been married for about twenty years; and, a husband, four kids, a dog, and a jumbo mortgage have really aged her.
The sparkle in her eyes is gone — replaced by bags and circles. Perhaps she’s not sleeping well.
Her skin that she took such great care of as if it were a religion appears dull and blotchy. Perhaps she’s doing all she can to just hold it together.
Lisa’s once size 4 frame is now about a size 14 — she did have four children.
When I knew Lisa, she never missed a manicure — now her nails are bare and brittle; her hands dry in desperate need of lotion. Perhaps she can’t find time away from the children and running a household to dote on herself.
After beating around the bush and pretending that she was fine, Lisa shares that since her focus has always been on the kids, she didn’t pay attention to her marriage. And, as her weight increased, Lisa said she didn’t want to have sex. Then it got to the point when her husband stopped initiating it.
They were roommates with children. He had his work and his friends; she had the kids and the PTA.
Lisa says that one day when she surveyed her life, she noticed that her husband lost weight and his body was more defined; he changed his eating habits and stopped stealing the kids’ snacks; and he developed deeper relationships outside the home.
He worked longer hours, spent more time on the computer, and had frequent unexplained absences.
Lisa says she knew something was up, but didn’t want to find out the truth.
The thought of being alone frightened her; and, the notion of her husband finding someone else saddened her — even though she acknowledges that she played a role in the demise of her marriage — if that came to be.
It did.
Lisa finally tells me that her husband has been seeing the other woman for five years. In fact, he had another life — another family. According to Lisa, her husband and this woman had a child together last year.
She didn’t tell me how she found out — Lisa said that it was too painful to talk about it in CVS. And, she didn’t want to fall apart.
Despite the fact that her husband told her that he has another family, another life, and another ‘wife,’ Lisa says she doesn’t want a divorce.
I’m in no position to tell Lisa what to do either way — I’m a happily single woman with no children. Therefore, my wants, goals, and needs cannot compute with hers.
However, I am a woman and I can sympathize with her. Infidelity is infidelity — whether you’re dating or married — it’s painful, humiliating, and life altering.
Lisa and I have been talking for about an hour. She points to the minivan parked right outside the front door filled with her four beautiful children watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on DVD.
We agree to connect in 2010.
While she pays for her purchases, I put my contact information in her cell phone and encourage her to call me when times get tough. And, times will get real tough.
I wave to the children walking Lisa to the minivan. As we embrace, she whispers to me, “Why did he cheat?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper back. “Lisa, you’ll be fine — whatever you decide. But, remember, it will take time.”
I watch Lisa transform into mommy-mode and maneuver that tank of a minivan like a professional driver. She crosses three lanes of traffic and heads into McDonald’s. Happy Meals tonight, I bet.
Sitting at a traffic light, my vision becomes blurry. Tears are welling up in my eyes and running down my face. My heart aches for Lisa and her kids. My heart aches for her husband, too.
I don’t know what happened.
There are three sides to this drama: hers, his, and the truth.
Without hearing his side of the story, I couldn’t even fathom a guess on what went wrong.
I, like many folks, would point the finger at Lisa’s lack of sex with her husband.
But, according to a recent study conducted by marriage counselor and a frequent guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show, M. Gary Neuman, the number one reason men cheat is not sex?
“Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn’t primarily about the sex. The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling under-appreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures,”
Gary says. “Men are very emotional beings. They just don’t look like that. Or they don’t seem like that. Or they don’t tell you that.”
Watch Why Men Cheat (M. Gary Neuman)
Although they have one of the most dissected marriages in America, Bill and Hillary Clinton have kept their marriage together in spite of rough times, complicated and busy schedules, and lack of privacy.
When Hillary Clinton was a Democratic presidential hopeful she appeared on the Tyra Banks show.
She spoke openly about her husband’s affair with Monica Lewinsky.
The discovery of marital infidelity is a devastating experience. Even though a marriage can often recover, sometimes the damage done is too great to overcome.
According to Danine Manette, the speed and degree of recovery is usually dictated by the behavior and actions of the adulterous spouse because they are responsible for bringing outsider into the marital union.
Manette, an infidelity survivor, is the author of Ultimate Betrayal.
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach says that men cheat because they are insecure.
IN TRUTH, men have affairs not for physical reasons but for emotional ones.
They cheat not out of a sense of confidence but out of a state of brokenness. Not out of a sense of how desirable they are but out of a sense of what failures they are.
And this is especially true of men like Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton who live in a hyper-competitive environments where they realize that they are only special to the extent that they keep on winning. Men like these are particularly broken, living as they do just one failure away from obscurity.
They know that their value as human beings rests entirely in other people’s hands. And they live in permanent and painful insecurity.
They constantly question their self-worth and they turn to women both to feel desirable and to comfort them from their pain.
Rabbi Boteach, who was also known for his close relationship with Michael Jackson, appeared on CNN.
My friend Lisa is not the first woman to experience marital infidelity, nor will she be the last.
But, I am confident that she will make it through to the other side — whatever she decides to do.
I’ll keep you posted — with her blessing, of course.
BTW, don’t you just want this smack this woman? She’s in divorce court claiming that her husband is “too good” to her.
What? Some women never learn…
Excellent piece!
The issue of infidelity is more complex than many like to acknowledge, with all parties usually playing a role in the aforementioned betrayal. Although I don’t believe there is ever any justification for cheating, I do know that an affair is not typically the problem but rather is a SYMPTOM of a greater problem within the marriage. Whatever the issue(s) which caused a couple to drift apart (often it’s unmet needs, harbored resentment or unexpected differences)it/they must be addressed before the spouses can move forward either together or alone.
Glad I found this site!
Danine Manette
Hello Sister Danine ~
Happy New Year. It’s interesting what technology is doing to relationships. I recently heard that words like “Facebook,” “cell phone,” “MySpace,” and “Internet” are coming up in many divorce actions. And, it makes you wonder if relationship problems drove someone to technology — or if it was technology that drove the problems. Thank you for your wise words. I look forward to hearing from you and your friends in 2010.
Be well,
Ebony
You’re right!
I hate to sound cruel, but I think we all know why he cheated. She neglected her marriage and herself. I don’t mean just sexually, but overall. A couple of things I learned from the Oprah show, although we must take care of the kids, we must also take care of the husband and show them how much we appreciate them on a regular basis. And they should also show it to us.
In addition, we should also take care of ourselves. I know it is easier said than done. She was the epitome of physical beauty and he married her because of it and she stopped being that women he loved looking at. I can’t say that I haven’t been guilty of some of the above, but in the future, I will try my best to continuously put my best foot forward through-out the entire relationships.